Why Are Men Scared of Commitment?
Relationships /Marriage are a wonderful thing to be part of…to know someone has chosen to be committed to love you and contribute to your growth is encouraging and at times can be a whirl wind experience. Yes it has its ups and downs,but each experience serves as relationship currency to invest in for the future.
So why do some of us men run away from this form of wonderful commitment?Why do we go so far then pull out? What is it that we see that frightens us?Why do we have such problems with commitment?……WATCH this clip below:
Simon Cowell successfully sums up what I believe to be a commonality amongst men - including myself , which I will try and unpack in the points below….STAY WITH ME:)
MULTIPLE CHOICE
When it comes to relationships one of the key principles taught to women is that they are to WAIT to be found . Amongst Christian circles the scripture relating to ‘a man finding a good thing’ is touted and flaunted at every SINGLES CONFERENCE, in turn the man is encouraged to FIND a good thing…and there lies the PROBLEM !lol……
It may sound stupid ladies but sometimes too much choice is not good for us, because it makes it harder to whittle down the selection.Throw in a wired and driven body for sex, triple times that by the FEMALE ATTRACTIVENESS in the world and you got a problem HOUSTON! It is not that we want every girl in the world its just that when you have a MILLION £sss it hard to decide what car to buy because you want the best. However it takes a focused and decisive man to , stand up and make a well informed decision to LOVE …ONE WOMAN ..and forget the rest , it is for us men to rise to that challenge with boldness and confidence and choose out of the plethora of women who await selection and be rest assured that out of the many we have found a GOOD thing.
Pressure To Get It Right
Beleive it or not women, some MEN have been seriously emotionally burned in the past , whether through infedility or emotional blackmail,which can all be contributing factors that make relationships something to be cautious about. When a man then seeks to enter a long term setup he too has thoughts at the back of his mind as to whether he will get hurt like before , or even if he may inadvertently hurt someone again .And though we are supposed to live up to this BRAVE/FEARLESS stereotype… the fear can be so great that it stunts a man into a constant batchelor-like state that has him going from woman to woman ENSURING there are no attachments or ties.
Now again mandem, this will require us to place the PAST IN THE PAST and treat any NEW relationship as that….A NEW relationship. Not to project onto it OLD hurts or fears but to treat the women as an individual in their own right – SHE AINT SUSAN …so dont approach her like she is ….lol
IMMATURITY
There comes a time in life when as men we have to put away childish antics and become men!Sleeping around,linking girls , running from responsibilities will land you in a George Clooney (an old age batchelor!!lol)!If your not ready to move from boys to men- COMMITMENT will always seem like a trap instead of a wonderful journey!If your still into running games and the like…. dont step into something, dont put another lady through your mess..but if you’re ready to love, support, nurture and cultivate another person..then step up to the plate and hit that HOME RUN!
The Look and The Gaze
I wrote a post on this about a month ago so I wont go too indepth (refer to: http://iciesworld.wordpress.com/2010/01/06/life-scripts-t…k-and-the-gaze/) , but sometimes we as men due to insecurities cant shake the desire to be GAZED upon or to give up the ability to LOOK upon.To be GAZED upon is to desire the female gaze constantly, to know that you are wanted by someone. I feel this in itself is a natural want however can be instrumental in not getting into a long term set up because it means that the GAZING will have to come to an end. Girls will not GAZE upon you anymore but will be forced to direct it to another subject.
(MEN BE WARNED:THIS IS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE, SOME WOMEN MAY KEEP THE GAZE ON YOU EVEN IF YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP, IF NOT EVEN MORE!!!CAN I PREACH!!!!!!! —-one woman in 2001 said to me when she knew I was in a relationship : “when we going out for dinner?” I said WHAT??? but you know im with someone how you gonna ask me that…she said……”COME ON!!..who’s FAITHFUL nowadays!!!!!)
The other is the LOOK normally associated with LUST, which is that constant wandering eye that desires to take in what we can’t have- Proverbs 5:18-19 says:
May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
If we cannot curb an appetite of LOOKING now, commitment is going to be a BIGGGGGGG problem as it will require you to be satisfied by one LOOK and ONE gaze only……To the guys..lets start to discipline our eyes in SINGLEHOOD so that it will be a bit more manageable in a long term relationship—the desire will never LEAVE but the desire can be disciplined.
Robert De Niro Syndrome
HAVE NOTHING IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU CANNOT WALK OUT OF IN 30 SECS FLAT….
- Robert De Niro ,from the film HEAT
Some men see relationships as a major hindrance to their career developement and progression. The hindrance is not the female it is the concept of what a relationship will require that makes them fob it off.For example a guy who is a high flying,Canary Wharf resident,Maserati seat belt wearing,don’t know what PRIMARK is,spends 43k on liquid in a club worker-would see a relationship as something that comes with baggage he doesnt have the time to accomodate.As men we are driven by achievement and our careers/jobs are directly linked to that sense of accomplishment,therefore anything that gets in the way of that or theatens to hinder its growth is seen as something to avoid. However as men we got to see that we can’t achieve EVERYTHING on our own and sometimes if not most times need HELP in filling in the gaps. Obama couldnt have got to the WHITE HOUSE without a WOMAN by his side….I STAND BY THAT 100PERCENT! …because even though he saw the BIGGER picture and had the Vision, it was Michelle who he would have brought stuff to his attention ,scrutinising the details, taking care of his home,supporting him, encouraging him,sexually catering to him etc……NO MAN IS A SUPER-MAN!
Start seeing the benefits that a shared journey can bring in a relationship instead of the maintenance of selfish ambitions.
PAY AS YOU GO VS CONTRACT
A friend said to me today:
Most men fear commitment for the same reason a person would choose pay as you go over a line rental because…… no one wants to be held DOWN to something and be unable to move! He went on to say in a pay as u go world you love that freedom to be able to UP and LEAVE when you want to but when choosing a CONTRACT you have to think long and hard as to whether or not you have the goods to stick to the contract, make the necessary payments, keep and eye on your allowance etc…Many of us men dont like the headache that a contract brings and so opt to enjoy the luxury of TOP UPS here and there…
But it is the root fear of -being in a routine,not having options being stuck in this thing and not being able to change it or get out of it – that fuels a distancing from long term commitments…. understandably so because relationships are HARD WORK and the body and mental state is wired to discard anything that will exert unecessary stress on the body (when you go gym and try to lift certain weights your BODY and MIND says: ARE YOU DUMB??! I aint lifting that..because it is wired to CONSERVE ENERGY !!!!) lol
As men I guess we have to not be afraid of the hardwork that needs to be put in NOW for the FUTURE,to not want to leave T-mobile at the first sign of a fault in the blackberry but to stick it out to the end because one day the phone AND contract will be upgraded based on your loyalty as a customer …..ya dig?lol
WE WANT PERFECTION
Too many of us want a WOMAN that doesn’t even EXIST in this world or LIFETIME!!!!!!! LOL!! We want her to cook and also love watching footy with the guys, play PS3 but also where heels …lol all kind different combinations lol!!!
But the truth of the matter is you will NEVER get 100percent of what you want, more time you will have to cultivate a woman to become not what YOU want!…but what she has been designed and destined to become! Commitment is avoided when we try to find the PERFECT match but as my bredrins below will explain..you only ever end up short changed!!!:
Well that’s it from me today ..thanks to all my SECRET contributors your views and opinions were priceless!
Thank you Simon Cowell for yur openess and I wish you all the best for your future matrimony:)
I hope for the guys out there this helps us identify a few things about ourselves but also , gives us some wisdom for the future. I know I personally have to READ this through again and DIGEST my own words lool-TRUSTTTTTT!…..
I may do a PART 2 for the WOMEN if theres enough of a request for it called – # ‘Why Do Women RUN?’ – if that would be something you’re interested in you can indicate by leaving a comment!!
Thank you for reading and remember to SUBSCRIBE to the blog at the top of the page:)
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Until I Type Again…..
Wow. This was sum deep stuff right here man, all i’m saying is when part 2 for the ladies coming out? Lol
coming this week
thanks for the support!!!
Sequel pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaase………:-)
no problem sequel on the wayyy:)
Thanks Ms A.T.I.C for taking time to read through the blog ,however I feel that there is a crucial element of the post that you failed to truly hone in on.After each explanation as to the reason men fail to commit is a direction or piece of advice for men to follow.
This post is a collection of views from different males on their perspective as to the reason behind commitment struggles.It is not the end all and ber all but seeks to serve as a guide point or reference. It is also a warning to men of our behaviour and to get us to think how these issues may affect the opposite set.
I beleive whether you are Christian or non-Christian that we can learn from one another. Sp in response to your Simon Cowell examination I dont agree.
I am looking to do a womans version and so it will be intriguing. To see if some of the issues are similar..which speaking to a few already I can see similar tie ins.
Peace Out:)
Some very interesting and honest points made and taken on board but you know, look here… im thinking about a few things, and i think . First – im with the whole multiple choice point, but to be quite frank, i think that guys (IF they think this way) need to hold up a little portion. I agree that for men AND women alike there is choice and you want the best (whatever THAT is), but for guys who think this way, maybe need to realistically consider whether they actually have as much choice as they think? i mean seriously. And what KIND of guys are we talking about here? guys in general or guys that are mini superstars in christiandom ? because if thats a case thats a whole other chapter . you might find that the motive behind your “multiple choice” may not be the kind you may be looking for in a wife. The whole look.. and gaze..well it may have other disfunctions attached to why youre gazed and wanted and lusted upon. Sorry to say ,that it may NOT just be your wonderful massive bible collection. and if THATS the reason why guys acually love the gaze thing..the lusty, I want a piece thing, then that needs to be checked. Why would you WANT someone to just want you for some shallow reason? That to me would say a whole lot about YOU as an individual. Granted everyone wants to be desired…but soooooooo much so that it could play such a large factor in wanting to be in relationship of substance? ?? baffling. We rarely get into any form of deep relationship with anyone whom a glance is tied up with or with whom we have a brief encounter. its usually someone who is in your circle who knows you and knows you very well. I think the whole “multiple choice” issue is a bit exaggerated and taken way out of context. No guy is all that and then some, to think hes got all this choice, like HE doesnt have any imperfections!!! What about what HE is bringing to the table? Its a nonsense.
No point in looking for perfection. WHY? it dont exsist. End of fairytale. Its a little forward of one to expect perfection from another when they are not perfect themselves. This is earth not some magical world from a disney film.
being hurts a delicate one. Moving from female to female making sure there are no ties really is not the answer. that causes MORE damage . just because you are not in a committed relationship with them it doesnt give you the right to a free trial run only to wander off with someone else and think its acceptable becoz “well i wasnt with you”. and as far as a man being hurt in the past, fair enough. but i can guaruntee you, that you wont have to look far for a woman whose been hurt too, so hey presto.you have company. deal with your hurt. women have to all the time.
If men think of a relaionship as a hindrance to their development then i think thats cool. just stay single. but DONT do the infamous “high flyer, big achiever” thing and expect to squeeze a female into that as and when it suits. if you want that life, stick to it. just stay celibate for the rest of your life. But if you want the benefit of marriage then get over yourselves and deal with what comes with it. the words “cake” and “eating it” come to mind.
Its ok for the likes of simon cowell to think this way. hes unsaved, and filthy rich. he can afford to be picky and choosy. his walk of life, morals is different and that of the women he chooses to date. Simon is a man, so yes i think he cant relate to universal male feelings, but its a snippet different. perhaps if he wasnt so rich his options may be somewhat limited….especially with THAT haircut. J
The holy spirits leadership perhaps needs to be highlighted here. maybe if you asked him to lead, and reveal, confusion may not be so apparent, and the options may shrink a considerable amount. what you want for yourself may not be what God desires for you. Allow the holy spirit to do his job, heal hurts, and lead. maybe we dont want the spirit to lead….maybe we just want what we want and make things more confusing for ourselves than it needs to be sometimes- who knows.
Lets remember a wifey is a marvellous , good thing to find, however, we are not standing in some desperado queue with our hands up in the air , jumping up and down waiting to be picked , as though we have nothing to contribute to the union. As we are a good thing to find, maybe the pickiness, if there needs to be any, should come from us
A wife is a good thing to find BUT…. A loving, hardworking, secure, faithful, godfearing, reliable MAN…IS EVEN HARDER.
BLESSINGS
yep wud love to read ‘why do women run?’
ps the Look and Gaze link does not appear to be working…
Yeah I’d definitely like to read ‘Why do women Run’.
I’m a fairly new subby [roughly 3 weeks old]… am really enjoying it!
Bless
enjoyed that…not sure if I agreed with the portayl of women…at times it seems like r outlook on marriage is on par with our waiting for the return of Jesus Christ LOL…felt a lil like a cring-worthy caricature of a single God-fearing woman. I wonder how much difference thered be in the ‘woman’s’ one..the last 3 points were me to a T lol
Love you so much.
Stay eloquent, and keep soaring in your genius. You’re an amazing writer.
Michaela
Can’t wait for part 2 ‘Why do women Run’
defo interested in what you think about ‘why women run..!’